Continued from previous post.

The journey was ardous and took its toil on the residents of Smeawood Forests. But even as the whining and complaining continued, no one was left behind as a strong bond held everyone together. One might have attributed it to the fact that they had journeyed to the Dark Woods beyond the tree called Block 19, but still, the togetherness was evident.

Still, there are only a certain number of times one may ask "Are we there yet?" before getting smacked upside the head, as Goofen found out. "Dammit! This map isnt to scale." Peter mumbled, as Goofen walked off to sulk.

Suddenly, the Guv'nor stopped short. Everyone else froze in place.

"What is it Wilson?" TwiddleDer asked.

"there's something down the road, in the trees. And its watching us. Pua CB." Wilson spoke over his shoulder, eagle-eyes focused towards the dark patch of woods ahead. "We'll need to send in our camo scout." Wilson signalled to the back of the entourage.

Out popped the Fucking Fast Indian, Super-Jeet. Silent most of the time, this nimble, agile and fucking fast model of a human moved to the front of the pack. "Go check it out, Jeet." Wilson told him.

Nodding, Super-Jeet took 2 steps and disappeared into the darkwoods. "Shit! That was fast." Elizaberth exclaimed, before shrieking and jumping into the arms of Orlando as a pair of teeth appeared next to her.

"I'm still hereeee.." Super-Jeet sniggered. And then he was off. The pack of residents waited around, visibly tensed from that weird thing in the dark.

Soon enough, Super-jeet popped out from the nearby dark areas and reported back to the Guv'nor. "Its ok. He's harmless. Just walk by silently and all will be ok. Make special effort not to make noise."

The message was relayed on to the rest of the residents and all of them proceeded to move forward. As they neared the spot where the figure stood, it became apparent that it was of the same tribe as Super-Jeet. It stood unmoving, in front of the door to its abode. Apparently, it stayed here and was extremely wary of visitors.

Termed the Arunanded, this creature made no visible effort to stop the Peter and his entourage, only silently observing their each and every move. Suddenly, Sebby stepped on a twig. The twig SNAPPED, giving off a sharp crack. The Arunanded immediately stirred into action, causing all the residents to stop short in their tracks and hold their breaths.

He whipped out a notebook and started to write. The residents of Smeawood Forest stared at each other. WTF?? Guv'nor Wilson peered over and asked "Eh skew me ah... what the CB are you writing?"

In a thick ethnic accent, the Arunanded replied "I am recording every single noise that you make, such that I will be able to report you to the Forest Authorities! You!! You look like the ring leader!" With that, he copied down the Guv'nors name into the book.

"EH SMLJ! You dun anyhow take name lei! Put time put place!! How about now??! ARunan rape nowww!!" Guv'nor Wilson screamed, obviously not pleased athaving his name taken down.

The masses hesitated, not sure of whether to act on the command, as they had not raped any other being besides Brer Bear. But then again, they decided that they didn't really like the fugger anyway and charged towards him, with Guv'nor Wilson leading the charge.

The residents swiftly dealt with the Arunanded as he was totally taken by surprise. For good measure, Guv'nor Wilson took his damn book and burnt it. Along with that, he made a mental note to try and evict the Arunanded.

Soon enough, after circling around Smeawood Lake, they arrived at a large cave. "This must be it!" Peter said, exciting everyone.

"I can't wait I can't wait!" Twiddle Ber sputtered.

So our friends proceeded inside the cave. It was deadly silent as everyone was wary of where they were stepping. Small pools of water littered the ground, causing some of our residents to stumble ,but these were helped by the others, as the whole village swiftly made their way thru the dark passage. But these were confusing tunnels and the map proved no help. Also, everyone kept banging into Jeet.

"Bluddy ancestors should have been more detailed. I swear I've seen this wall at least 4 times. " Peter said. A small murmur echoed the masses agreement.

"HEY LOOK!!" Elizaberth pointed out! A dim glow was shining from one of the tunnels. "I think this is it!" she blurted out, giving Orlando a back breaking hug.

Guv'nor Wilson started to quick walk towards the glow, turning every corner with pace. The glow got brighter and brighter with each corner. The anticipation was all over his face as he neared the source. In fact, he was moving so fast, the rest of the villagers soon lost sight of him.

Suddenly a colossal "CHAO CHEE BYE!!" echoed thru the walls of the cavern. The village turned the corner and lo and behold.


There stood 20 years of heritage. 20 years of pure solid GOLD trophies. Plundered from the many inter-forest games, where Smeawood Forest stood head and shoulders above the competition. These had been hidden from the grubby fingers of thieves and the losers from the other forests and now, had finally been returned to their rightful owners.

"FINALLYYYY, THE TREASSURE HAS COME BACK TO...." Clownz was quickly shut up by a slap to the mouth from PEter.

"Shut up and enjoy the moment.."

To be continued...

The time had come for the Annual Smeawood Forest Clean up session. During this festival, all residents would take part in keeping Smeawood Forest a more environmentally hygienic place to live in. After all, no one actually cleaned up for the rest of the year. So in essence, this festival was quite essential indeed, so that our favourite residents would not contract cholera or anything along those lines.

Peter blew the dust of his trusty vacuum, which had been left in a corner of his room to fester. Coughing as the dust settled, he wondered if it still worked. Peter walked past his slightly dented shoe rack, which proudly bore the imprint of Zhiyang's muscular shoulders.

"Ahhh yes, that one nite that Zhiyang was chasing after Alf the Fat Ass. It was also the same night that Zhiyang started to dress funny.... strange." Peter quipped to himself.

Plugging in his vacuum, the reluctant piece of equipment coughed and sputtered before throwing up whatever had been blocking its windpipe. "A hamster!" Peter exclaimed, as the just-as-surprised critter dusted itself off.

"Well, thanks alot moron. I was jus getting into a nap, you shit." Hamster retorted. In case you're wondering, yes, everything can speak in Smeawood Forest.. even the rats.

Peter recalled Chimpzzz borrowing the vacuum the previous clean-up and returning it, with a slightly guilty look on his face. Not long after, there was a report of a missing hamster. "And we all thought Sebby ate it.. guess we shouldn't have tried burning him at the stake then.." Peter reflected.

Giving the grumpy hamster a helpful kick in the ass out of the door, Peter made sure his vacuum was working before dragging it out into the square to meet up with the rest. Everyone was out in full force. The Twiddles had brought out their gloves (they looked very worn out), Zhiyang brought along his duster from Sellavision and Elizaberth had brought along Orlando.

"But i'm a highly paid actor! Top notch! I can't do manual labour!" Orlando tried reasoning with Elizaberth.

"Nonsense! You're not a top notch actor. Take away your elf ears and you look like a dweeb." Elizaberth addressed the only pertinent line in the complaint.

Guv'nor Wilson ascended the podium to give the opening address. "Ehhh.. mic on or not ah? Ok, today is once again our Annual Clean-up Day. So according to our Smeawood Forest tradition, we are supposed to clean up everything. Shut the fuk up lei, I haven't finish talking. U want to tio smack by my very long **** isit?"

The crowd applauded as they thought the Guv'nor appeared to have finished his speech. Not that anyone was listening in any case.. who the hell listens to these speeches?

"Guv seems to be quite agitated. Waving his arms around madly. Maybe we're not clapping loud enough." The clap increased, as did Wilson's obvious arm thrashing. Soon, the crowd tired and simply left Wilson on the stage.

"Well, we can't stand around clapping forever. There's stuff to be cleaned." Mama Nippola told her 3 midget followers.

"Yes Mama," the rest of Asscubed replied.

"Stop pursing your lips!" Mama screamed as she slapped Seoks into 1978. "Its not feeding time yet!"

And so the work began. This was no normal spring cleaning. THe residents of Smeawood would clean up until they were satisfied that the standard would last another year. This might take a day, or perhaps a week... depending on how much Sebby was around that year. And when everything was done, it cumulated into a bon-fire.. of all the junk that was thrown out that year.

First, the residents started moving junk out of their homes. Old lamps, furniture, worn out dolls, torn clothes and a whole lot more. Each home had their mound of rubbish on the front porch..

"Oh myyy gawwwwd!!" The scream pierced the business of the festival and everyone gravitated towards the source of the sound. They saw Yummy Mummy Lis hunched over her mound of trash, holding out a small parchment. Soon, a very concentric and orderly circle formed around her (you know how Singaporeans love forming circles around points of interests . ie accidents or when someone falls) Yummy Mummy nervously picked up the parchment and held it to the light.

"Nice. I like.. Looks like a map. But for what?" Jason the Slitty Eyed Chiby voiced on behalf of everyone, before lighting a Xiggy.

"Beats me... ask Sebb..." Brer Bear stopped mid-sentence, realising his folly at mentioning Sebby's name. He snatched the Xiggy from the Chiby's lips and sucked on it hard, looking around nervously.

Suddenly, a calm voice emerged from the crowd. "I think its time that you knew what this map leads to." It was Sebby, the only descendant of the ancient Chau Lau Tee Ko Tribe. Whilst his booming voice usually brought chaos to the situation, it was strangely grave and serious on this occasion.

"Back then, the ancient ones were very very competitive. This was because there was an annual competition. This was held between the best from different forests. Smeawood Forest was a force to be reckoned with back then. We either swept the events or came in the top 3. But the ancient Tee Kos believed that the winnings were due to the stringent following of the rituals and traditions. There were many ..."

Sebby's story was interupted by the Guv'nor trundling down the lane, demanding to know why everyone had stopped cleaning up. "EH CHEEE BYEEE!! Dun wan to clean isit? Later all tio cholera or Hep A, B, C then hong gan loh! NAA BEHHH!"

Upon which, Peter knocked him out cold to let Sebby finish the story.

"as I was saying, our ancestors won every damn competition there was to be won. And as you know, along with winning.. "

"Comes treasure..." PEter mumbled. Everyone's eyes grew sizeably bigger... except Jason.

"What. I'm trying." Jason said, as the obvious strain on his face was displayed for all.

"Nope. Not widening." Bear contributed. Jason gave up due to cramps.

"So this means that we have a map to the treasure in our hands?" Zhiyang speculated, taking the parchment from Yummy Mummy's yummy fingers.

"Yes," Sebby said. "My grandfather, Seb-bitch the 52nd, told me they had lost it during the Great Bear Rape of 1978." Seoks suddenly felt nostalgic, having been slapped back to that time by Mama Nippola. "Apparently, The Guv's grandfather was carrying it after the residents had just hid the stash, when he was knocked down by Bear's grandfater, who was fleeing from my grandfather. Then upon that, all our grandparents besieged Bear and the Guv'nor was caught at the bottom of it all. Its been speculated that the map had lodged itself in someone's ass crack and lost... until now."

"I guess that means we're going on a treasure hunt??" Peter said, as the crowd exploded with excitement.

"BUTTTTTT!!!!" Sebby shouted with authority. "The way will be littered with many traps and obstacles. Even monsters aroud some corners. For our ancestors were a careful bunch."

"We'll be ready for them." Peter replied confidently.The crowd rallied behind him and voiced their support.

Hence, they went back to equip themselves.. much like the hunt for the Slitty eyed Chiby. "Nice.. feels good to be on this side of the fence." Jason reflected as the party of villagers headed out into the woods.

So it was, Guv'nor Wilson leading the way, with Peter next to him, holding the map... becoz Wilson would probably get lost. Following that, came the entire village, for everyone wanted to be part of this momentual moment.

To be continued in next post.. this post is how long...

Peter opened up his "Junk mail" folder to clear it, only to find an email from Grandma.



"Hitting it Hard", the subject read.



OMG. Are they running out of ideas?

Peter took a step out of his house. It had been a long winter. He stretched and yawned loudly, stopping only to cough as he swallowed a fly. He swallowed a fly? I dunno why he swallowed a fly. Perhaps he'll die.

As Peter removed the stunned offender from his throat and flicked it over the fence into the Twiddle's compound, the sounds of the village waking were heard all over. Whispers of "The winter's over..", "Itz so warm" and "Angelina's pregnant!" filled the air.

Peter chuckled to himself. Yes yes, it was finally over. Apparently, someone had killed the White Witch of Narnia and had saved the whole country. And even though Smeawood Forest was on the other side of the planet, still the winter desisted.

Neighbours poured out of their houses to greet each other with hugs and kisses, with everyone avoiding Sebby, who had once agian forgotten to put on his clothes. Mouthing the words "Nasi lei" to everyone he met, Sebby went back in to get properly attired. The excitment was growing becoz the end of winter meant 1 thing. THe traditional Ushering in of the Season after Winter party!!

In other words, a bash. (I mean, c'mon. When do we ever have other events besides bashes...) The Social Committee, lead by Guv'nor Wilson would search out a suitable tree, hollow it out and cram everyone inside, with pounding music and Twiddle-der blowing smoke down from above. Absolutely heavenly!!

Peter proceeded to walk down the street, greeting everyone as they ran across. Suddenly, he stopped next to The Noticeboard. This was where you put stuff that you wanted vandalized. But there was something strange about The Noticeboard today. Peter read the first few sheets of paper, realizing that something was amiss.

"Zy wants to join the cheerleading squad, Twiddle-Ber is down for Women's hockey... SHIT!" Peter recoiled in terror as he came across a pic of Sebby's ass crack.

Sebby came running over. "Sorry... my bad.. hey watz this?!"


Residents of Smeawood Forest be warned.

There will be an excavation of the premises in the near future. This site will be used to house other pointless buildings, such as storerooms and broom cupboards. You will be required to move out.

But in concordance to the Forest Governement's generosity, we will construct a newer, better village for you. But you will of course be expected to bear more costs. We will of course subsidize this cost, to a grand total of 56 Smeawood cents.

Have a nice day.

PS. the new place has already been built. We will be cutting off all power, water and internet connectivity tomorrow.



The residents stared at Peter as he read it out. They let it sink in over the next few minutes, before Seoks pointed out.

"But will we still be called Smeawood Forest then?"

"I guess so. Its just a name" Peter replied.

Then Twiddle-BER added "But will we still be Smeawood Forest?"



This time, no one answered.

Peter supports

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The Tree of False Hopes

Today was a special day for Peter. It was time to take his regular dose of False Hopes.. All excited, Peter donned a comfortable muscle-T, along with some loose berms. "Looks pretty gay... but hey, comfort above all else."

So Peter left his home and went to look for the only people who would understand his need for this dosage. Stepping out of his door, his took in a breath of fresh Smeawood Forest air. Ahhh..it was good to be alive... especially this week, since there were 2 public holidays.

"Good morning neighbour!" The Twiddles yelled, stepping out into the sun too, in their sheer negligees. (Ugh. Yes it pained me to say that..becoz it required a mental picture. Ha! Gotcha! You imagined it too!)

"Morning!!" Peter replied as he skipped off down his garden path. He could still see traces of puke from the Family Day drinking competition... Carefully sidestepping the puddles with the grace of a Para Para dancer of Plaza Singapura arcade, Peter managed to keep his new pair of sandals squeaky clean.

Walking down the street, it didn't take the ever-so-fit Peter long to reach his destination. Rapping on the door of the first house, he yelled "Wake up you idiot! I can hear u snoring from here!!!"

A sleepy Chimpzzz open the door, smacking his lips. "Hmmm..is today False Hope day again?" Snoring Chimpzzz asked as he wore his favourite NBS tee. "Yes it is. Quick! Itz already 8am. We still need to get 1 more person." Peter anxiously said, thwacking Chimpzzz on the head for good measure.

They hurriedly made their way to the next house. Screams of "Fire in the HOle" and "Go go go" became louder as they approached. "Sighh..at it again..." Snoring Chimpzzz said "and so fricking early some more." So the 2 tore the Sickly White Clownz away from his game of CS, not without much protest of course.

"You need more sun...u look like a corpse." Peter said.

"I do not! I happen to be a very useful glow in the dark beacon during blackouts!" Clownz protested.

"Whatever...anyway, we're here... up we go!" Chimpzzz said as he proceeded to climb the tree with unusual ease. Peter followed while Clownz rounded it up. They were almost at the top, when Chimpzzz couldn't resist stopping suddenly and allowing Peter to promptly stuff his face into Chimpzzz's ass-crack. After receiving the beating he so deserved, Chimpzzz emerged from the cloud cover.

(Allow me to take this time to describe how the Tree of False Hope works. People who've read Enid Blyton will recognise the blatant rip-off that we're using here, except we've got a way cooler name for it. Anyhooz... there is a land of fantasy at the top of the Tree. Every 24 hours, the land rotates and a new one takes its place. So it you're stuck in that land, then you've gotta wait until it comes back agian, which may never be the case. Now wouldnt' some of you like to be stuck in the Land of Skanks or the Brad Pitt Farm?)

So Chimpzzz emerged from the man-Hole like entrance, only to find himself surrounded by 4 walls of soil. "Hmmm..we seem to be stuck in a rut guys." Chimpzzz said as the other 2 proceeded to pull themselves up. He jumped up and caught the top of 1 side. PUlling his head up, Chimpzzz suddenly saw the sky go dark. He looked up and saw this gigantic foot coming down on him. Immediately, he let go, falling on the other 2. The giant foot came smashing down, covering the hole that the 3 were in completely, before moving off again.

The 3 stunned Smeawood-ians looked at each other, stunned into silence. Peter finally spoke up. "I think he had athelete's foot or something."

The 3 chuckled at the comment before poking their heads out once more to see where in the world they were. The surroundings looked rather desolate, with little trees or vegetation. There was a clump of trees not to far away though, so they decided to make a run for it and regroup there. The 3 climbed out and started to run towards the oasis.

They started in a sprint, hoping to get there as soon as possible. But they realised that the oasis was in fact pretty far... hence they slowed to a fast walk.

"This looks dumb.." Clownz said, swaying his ass from side to side.

"You wanna run? Go ahead..." Chimpzzz replied. Clownz wisely decided against it... after careful consideration of the consequences, such as heavy panting, huge amounts of perpiration and sweat. Such is the thinking of an office worker.. When they finally reached the oasis, with very sore hips, the 3 quickly hid in the bushes.

"Something jus doesn't seem rite." Peter said.

"Yeah... where's everyone... and where da hell are we?" Clownz chipped in.

Suddenly from the back of the oasis, a soft screaming could be heard. "Sounds like you when ZY's chasing u ard man" Chimpzzz said to Peter, trying to break the obvious tension. Peter humoured him with a chuckle, while trying to see what was making the noise. "Hey itz a man!" Through the bushes and shrubs they could see a man running towards them, waving his hands in the air. As he approached they realised he was doing the screaming. It was not anything super shrill, but jus a sustained "Arrrrrghhhhh!!". Still, the group of 3 had their hair standing on end. "Quit rubbing urself against me." Clownz said to Chimpzzz, as his hair stood taller than the rest.

The man showed no signs of letting up, running the whole distance in one breath. "Who's that???" At that moment, the 3 of them realised together that the man was missing something very important indeed. A head. PLUS his hands were replaced by bombs! "Dang, this seems very familiar...." Chimpzzz said, but he couldn't quite place it. The 3 lay in the undergrowth, trying to remember where they had seen this picture before. Suddenly, Peter jumped up. "Hey!! He's coming this way!" In all their careful consideration, the 3 had forgotten a very important fact indeed. The bomber was heading towards them. Immediately, they sprang to their feet and ran in the opposite direction from whence they came. They had taken all of 5 steps out of the oasis, when they were lifted off their feet by the force of the explosion! BOOOOM!!!! "Ohh shiyyaaatTTTTtTT!"

They screamed as they flew through the air, landing in a pile about 20 meters from where they had taken off. As Peter shook his head, trying to regain his senses, he finally realised where they were.

They were on the set of Serious Sam.

To be continued.

For all those that have not played Serious Sam before, here are a few screenshots. http://www.gamecritics.com/feature/preview/serioussam/image02.jpg http://www.seriouszone.com/gallery/ss2?&page=2 And a quick description... Serious Sam is an FPS that does not let up. Plauers are swamped with hordes of enemies, of different kinds, and from air, land and sea. Sounds are everywhere, so u can hear headless bombermen screaming, giant mutant ox trampling and harpies screeching. There's no time to let up on the trigger... so u kinda get the idea.

Peter came up to Shiok Ling, who was gyrating to an imaginary tune. "In throes of ecstacy..." he thought to himself, before smacking the thoughts out of his head.

"Hey congrats on passing your driving. Heard you only ran down TwiddleBer and Goofen this time."

And thus, Shiok Ling was able to terrorize the rest of Smeawood Forest in her little car from that day on.

Congrats to SL for passing!! Woot!