Chapter 4: Family Day!!

Peter woke up at 5am, feeling bright and chirpy. Ah yes, it was that time of year again, where the residents of Smeawood Forest would gather for the mostest and excitingest event of the year. The Annual Smeawood Forest Family Day! It was declared a public holiday by Vice Guv’nor Wilson way back on 10^th Sept 2001, just before Mama Nippola flew her plane into the Twin Trees. Apparently George was not being a good boy.

But since then, Family Day in Smeawood Forest spelt fun and games for everyone. Peter considered lobbying for a name change, considering nobody in Smeawood Forest had a family. “Closest thing we got is TwiddleDer and TwiddleBer.. but everyone knows that’s not legal around other parts of the world.” Peter though as he shaved for the first time in 5 weeks.

Striding quickly over to his closet, Peter looked out the window and saw Zhiyang going for a jog. Peter waved frantically at Zhiyang.

“I’m trying to get in shape to win the pageant later!!” Zhiyang screamed back before getting run over by the Beh-ster’s delivery lorry. The Beh-ster operated the only food stall in Smeawood Forest, serving up everyone’s favourites, namely Sauteed Panda Groin, Boneless Gorilla Limbs and Loin of Chipmunk. Now normally these would taste like shit but the Beh-ster covered up the taste by adding at least 1L of oil with each dish. Sometimes, he would sprinkle some dandruff or Xiggy ash for good measure.

“Can’t say I didn’t try to warn him.” Peter thought to himself. He picked out his Family Day attire, which was a yellow T-shirt and a pair of FBT shorts. “Ahhh yes.. the comfort of uniformity.”

Pulling the T-shirt on and hopping into those non-existent shorts, Peter walked out the door. The sun was rising over the Mountains and the residents were all getting ready. The Social Committee, led by Guv’nor Wilson were setting up the game areas and getting everything else ready.

“Eh cheebye lah! Put the water over there then come here and line this up. Na bei lei, u stupid or wat? I slap u wif my d**k then u know!” Guv’nor Wilson encouraged his committee into working faster.

At 730am, everyone gathered at the field behind a tree stangely named “Block 19” There were legends of strange smells and weird slangs coming from the tree. Many thought it was the wind, but who knows… Guv’nor Wilson proceeded up onto the stage to give his speech.

“Ehhh.. good morning ah. I am very happy to see so many of you here today. As you all know ah, this is a very important event, leading up to the Inter-forest Games that will be held later this year. Today, we will pick the best of the… OEI! CHEE BYE lah! Can don’t drink the drink first or not?!!!” Guv’nor Wilson then proceeded to launch into a string of profanities only heard by a privileged few in their lifetime and started to chase down Sebby, who could not wait 5 mins before drinking the rose syrup.

So the games began! First up, was the Drinking Contest. Contestants had to make their way thorugh as many shots of concoctions as they could, before they collapsed or be the last person standing. Contestants were Jianming the Friends Forever Fag, Elizaberth Baroness of Bendowness, TwiddleDer, Zhiyang the Beer Belly Queen and Jonathan “Baby Baby” Zhang.

As the gun went off, Zhiyang peed in his pants and the contestants downed their first shot. Vodka, tequila, followed by gin, rum and beer. The contestants were doing quite well, except for TwiddleDer who kept touching himself. They were given a 5 second rest period, before moving on to shots of XO, JD, Jim Beam and Sinalco. Elizaberth has a particularly difficult time downing the Sinalco. One wonders why they invented such a vile drink. Another 5 second break before the announcer announced.

“Now we shall move on to the hard stuff!” Everyone cheered while the 5 of them almost fainted. Not hard enough??? TwiddleDer was getting turned on by all this talk about hardness but his enthusiasm was short-lived when he saw what was next on the menu. “Drink no. 10! Paint thinner straight up!” the announcer shouted.

The contestants gamely took their shot glass and downed the contents. Jonathan started wheezing while Jianming started mumbling to TwiddleDer something about being friends forever.

“Well done contestants! Moving on, we have a shot of 90% pure alchohol!”

After downing the 11^th shot, Elizaberth was displaying why she was called Bend-down by touching the ground with her forehead while Zhiyang was talking to his tummy. Still they managed to pick themselves up for the next shot. Each was served a shot, which was simply labeled “Dishwashing Liquid” Shrugging their shoulders, the contestants threw their head back and downed the vile little MF’ers. After which, TwiddleDer started getting re-acquainted with the table top, face down, making out with the plastic cover. Jonathan too had had enough, calling out to every girl nearby to be his “baby baby”

So we were down to 3! Trash talk by this time had started to flow freely. “You ain’t got..hic..what it …hic…takeshhh to take…meeee outtt!” Zhiyang screamed into the air at nobody in particular.

“Bend down??! You want me to bend downnn??!!”

“Eh fiends forever lei… I mean frenshhh.. hic”

The wiaters grought forward the next drink, Rancid Milk, followed by a mild dose of Dilute Sulphuric Acid. “Jussht what I need to schoooBer up.” Jianming exclaimed before choking on his milk and fainting.

SO it was down to Zhiyang and Elizaberth. The battle to the death! This was the first time in 6 years anyone has actually made it through all 14 stages and reached the last one. And we have 2 of them! They have been training hard indeed! The waiters brought out 2 shot glasses filled with a clear liquid. Using a set of pliers, they set the 2 glasses on the table in front of Eliz and ZY. Immediately, they started tearing and a foul smell filled the air.

The announcer took a deep breath before saying “Here we have a shot of Sebby’s sweat, freshly squeezed from his jersey after rugby training!!!” The crowd gasped and hooted. Zhiyang had a blank look on his face while Elizaberth had one of obvious disgust. But dutifully they took their shotglasses and downed the clear liquid. Both sat back a while, staring blankly into space. Before long, Zhiyang started to slant to one side, inch by inch before collapsing into a heap.

“WE HAVE A WINNER!!!!” The announcer screamed. “Eliza….wtf??!!” Elizaberth had emptied the contents of her stomach on his nicely pressed pants. But the crowd didn’t care. They cheered their new champion for all of 20 seconds, before moving on to the next event.

To be continued…