The Tree of False Hopes

Today was a special day for Peter. It was time to take his regular dose of False Hopes.. All excited, Peter donned a comfortable muscle-T, along with some loose berms. "Looks pretty gay... but hey, comfort above all else."

So Peter left his home and went to look for the only people who would understand his need for this dosage. Stepping out of his door, his took in a breath of fresh Smeawood Forest air. Ahhh..it was good to be alive... especially this week, since there were 2 public holidays.

"Good morning neighbour!" The Twiddles yelled, stepping out into the sun too, in their sheer negligees. (Ugh. Yes it pained me to say that..becoz it required a mental picture. Ha! Gotcha! You imagined it too!)

"Morning!!" Peter replied as he skipped off down his garden path. He could still see traces of puke from the Family Day drinking competition... Carefully sidestepping the puddles with the grace of a Para Para dancer of Plaza Singapura arcade, Peter managed to keep his new pair of sandals squeaky clean.

Walking down the street, it didn't take the ever-so-fit Peter long to reach his destination. Rapping on the door of the first house, he yelled "Wake up you idiot! I can hear u snoring from here!!!"

A sleepy Chimpzzz open the door, smacking his lips. "Hmmm..is today False Hope day again?" Snoring Chimpzzz asked as he wore his favourite NBS tee. "Yes it is. Quick! Itz already 8am. We still need to get 1 more person." Peter anxiously said, thwacking Chimpzzz on the head for good measure.

They hurriedly made their way to the next house. Screams of "Fire in the HOle" and "Go go go" became louder as they approached. "Sighh..at it again..." Snoring Chimpzzz said "and so fricking early some more." So the 2 tore the Sickly White Clownz away from his game of CS, not without much protest of course.

"You need more sun...u look like a corpse." Peter said.

"I do not! I happen to be a very useful glow in the dark beacon during blackouts!" Clownz protested.

"Whatever...anyway, we're here... up we go!" Chimpzzz said as he proceeded to climb the tree with unusual ease. Peter followed while Clownz rounded it up. They were almost at the top, when Chimpzzz couldn't resist stopping suddenly and allowing Peter to promptly stuff his face into Chimpzzz's ass-crack. After receiving the beating he so deserved, Chimpzzz emerged from the cloud cover.

(Allow me to take this time to describe how the Tree of False Hope works. People who've read Enid Blyton will recognise the blatant rip-off that we're using here, except we've got a way cooler name for it. Anyhooz... there is a land of fantasy at the top of the Tree. Every 24 hours, the land rotates and a new one takes its place. So it you're stuck in that land, then you've gotta wait until it comes back agian, which may never be the case. Now wouldnt' some of you like to be stuck in the Land of Skanks or the Brad Pitt Farm?)

So Chimpzzz emerged from the man-Hole like entrance, only to find himself surrounded by 4 walls of soil. "Hmmm..we seem to be stuck in a rut guys." Chimpzzz said as the other 2 proceeded to pull themselves up. He jumped up and caught the top of 1 side. PUlling his head up, Chimpzzz suddenly saw the sky go dark. He looked up and saw this gigantic foot coming down on him. Immediately, he let go, falling on the other 2. The giant foot came smashing down, covering the hole that the 3 were in completely, before moving off again.

The 3 stunned Smeawood-ians looked at each other, stunned into silence. Peter finally spoke up. "I think he had athelete's foot or something."

The 3 chuckled at the comment before poking their heads out once more to see where in the world they were. The surroundings looked rather desolate, with little trees or vegetation. There was a clump of trees not to far away though, so they decided to make a run for it and regroup there. The 3 climbed out and started to run towards the oasis.

They started in a sprint, hoping to get there as soon as possible. But they realised that the oasis was in fact pretty far... hence they slowed to a fast walk.

"This looks dumb.." Clownz said, swaying his ass from side to side.

"You wanna run? Go ahead..." Chimpzzz replied. Clownz wisely decided against it... after careful consideration of the consequences, such as heavy panting, huge amounts of perpiration and sweat. Such is the thinking of an office worker.. When they finally reached the oasis, with very sore hips, the 3 quickly hid in the bushes.

"Something jus doesn't seem rite." Peter said.

"Yeah... where's everyone... and where da hell are we?" Clownz chipped in.

Suddenly from the back of the oasis, a soft screaming could be heard. "Sounds like you when ZY's chasing u ard man" Chimpzzz said to Peter, trying to break the obvious tension. Peter humoured him with a chuckle, while trying to see what was making the noise. "Hey itz a man!" Through the bushes and shrubs they could see a man running towards them, waving his hands in the air. As he approached they realised he was doing the screaming. It was not anything super shrill, but jus a sustained "Arrrrrghhhhh!!". Still, the group of 3 had their hair standing on end. "Quit rubbing urself against me." Clownz said to Chimpzzz, as his hair stood taller than the rest.

The man showed no signs of letting up, running the whole distance in one breath. "Who's that???" At that moment, the 3 of them realised together that the man was missing something very important indeed. A head. PLUS his hands were replaced by bombs! "Dang, this seems very familiar...." Chimpzzz said, but he couldn't quite place it. The 3 lay in the undergrowth, trying to remember where they had seen this picture before. Suddenly, Peter jumped up. "Hey!! He's coming this way!" In all their careful consideration, the 3 had forgotten a very important fact indeed. The bomber was heading towards them. Immediately, they sprang to their feet and ran in the opposite direction from whence they came. They had taken all of 5 steps out of the oasis, when they were lifted off their feet by the force of the explosion! BOOOOM!!!! "Ohh shiyyaaatTTTTtTT!"

They screamed as they flew through the air, landing in a pile about 20 meters from where they had taken off. As Peter shook his head, trying to regain his senses, he finally realised where they were.

They were on the set of Serious Sam.

To be continued.

For all those that have not played Serious Sam before, here are a few screenshots. http://www.gamecritics.com/feature/preview/serioussam/image02.jpg http://www.seriouszone.com/gallery/ss2?&page=2 And a quick description... Serious Sam is an FPS that does not let up. Plauers are swamped with hordes of enemies, of different kinds, and from air, land and sea. Sounds are everywhere, so u can hear headless bombermen screaming, giant mutant ox trampling and harpies screeching. There's no time to let up on the trigger... so u kinda get the idea.

Peter came up to Shiok Ling, who was gyrating to an imaginary tune. "In throes of ecstacy..." he thought to himself, before smacking the thoughts out of his head.

"Hey congrats on passing your driving. Heard you only ran down TwiddleBer and Goofen this time."

And thus, Shiok Ling was able to terrorize the rest of Smeawood Forest in her little car from that day on.

Congrats to SL for passing!! Woot!

Chapter 4: Family Day!!

Peter woke up at 5am, feeling bright and chirpy. Ah yes, it was that time of year again, where the residents of Smeawood Forest would gather for the mostest and excitingest event of the year. The Annual Smeawood Forest Family Day! It was declared a public holiday by Vice Guv’nor Wilson way back on 10^th Sept 2001, just before Mama Nippola flew her plane into the Twin Trees. Apparently George was not being a good boy.

But since then, Family Day in Smeawood Forest spelt fun and games for everyone. Peter considered lobbying for a name change, considering nobody in Smeawood Forest had a family. “Closest thing we got is TwiddleDer and TwiddleBer.. but everyone knows that’s not legal around other parts of the world.” Peter though as he shaved for the first time in 5 weeks.

Striding quickly over to his closet, Peter looked out the window and saw Zhiyang going for a jog. Peter waved frantically at Zhiyang.

“I’m trying to get in shape to win the pageant later!!” Zhiyang screamed back before getting run over by the Beh-ster’s delivery lorry. The Beh-ster operated the only food stall in Smeawood Forest, serving up everyone’s favourites, namely Sauteed Panda Groin, Boneless Gorilla Limbs and Loin of Chipmunk. Now normally these would taste like shit but the Beh-ster covered up the taste by adding at least 1L of oil with each dish. Sometimes, he would sprinkle some dandruff or Xiggy ash for good measure.

“Can’t say I didn’t try to warn him.” Peter thought to himself. He picked out his Family Day attire, which was a yellow T-shirt and a pair of FBT shorts. “Ahhh yes.. the comfort of uniformity.”

Pulling the T-shirt on and hopping into those non-existent shorts, Peter walked out the door. The sun was rising over the Mountains and the residents were all getting ready. The Social Committee, led by Guv’nor Wilson were setting up the game areas and getting everything else ready.

“Eh cheebye lah! Put the water over there then come here and line this up. Na bei lei, u stupid or wat? I slap u wif my d**k then u know!” Guv’nor Wilson encouraged his committee into working faster.

At 730am, everyone gathered at the field behind a tree stangely named “Block 19” There were legends of strange smells and weird slangs coming from the tree. Many thought it was the wind, but who knows… Guv’nor Wilson proceeded up onto the stage to give his speech.

“Ehhh.. good morning ah. I am very happy to see so many of you here today. As you all know ah, this is a very important event, leading up to the Inter-forest Games that will be held later this year. Today, we will pick the best of the… OEI! CHEE BYE lah! Can don’t drink the drink first or not?!!!” Guv’nor Wilson then proceeded to launch into a string of profanities only heard by a privileged few in their lifetime and started to chase down Sebby, who could not wait 5 mins before drinking the rose syrup.

So the games began! First up, was the Drinking Contest. Contestants had to make their way thorugh as many shots of concoctions as they could, before they collapsed or be the last person standing. Contestants were Jianming the Friends Forever Fag, Elizaberth Baroness of Bendowness, TwiddleDer, Zhiyang the Beer Belly Queen and Jonathan “Baby Baby” Zhang.

As the gun went off, Zhiyang peed in his pants and the contestants downed their first shot. Vodka, tequila, followed by gin, rum and beer. The contestants were doing quite well, except for TwiddleDer who kept touching himself. They were given a 5 second rest period, before moving on to shots of XO, JD, Jim Beam and Sinalco. Elizaberth has a particularly difficult time downing the Sinalco. One wonders why they invented such a vile drink. Another 5 second break before the announcer announced.

“Now we shall move on to the hard stuff!” Everyone cheered while the 5 of them almost fainted. Not hard enough??? TwiddleDer was getting turned on by all this talk about hardness but his enthusiasm was short-lived when he saw what was next on the menu. “Drink no. 10! Paint thinner straight up!” the announcer shouted.

The contestants gamely took their shot glass and downed the contents. Jonathan started wheezing while Jianming started mumbling to TwiddleDer something about being friends forever.

“Well done contestants! Moving on, we have a shot of 90% pure alchohol!”

After downing the 11^th shot, Elizaberth was displaying why she was called Bend-down by touching the ground with her forehead while Zhiyang was talking to his tummy. Still they managed to pick themselves up for the next shot. Each was served a shot, which was simply labeled “Dishwashing Liquid” Shrugging their shoulders, the contestants threw their head back and downed the vile little MF’ers. After which, TwiddleDer started getting re-acquainted with the table top, face down, making out with the plastic cover. Jonathan too had had enough, calling out to every girl nearby to be his “baby baby”

So we were down to 3! Trash talk by this time had started to flow freely. “You ain’t got..hic..what it …hic…takeshhh to take…meeee outtt!” Zhiyang screamed into the air at nobody in particular.

“Bend down??! You want me to bend downnn??!!”

“Eh fiends forever lei… I mean frenshhh.. hic”

The wiaters grought forward the next drink, Rancid Milk, followed by a mild dose of Dilute Sulphuric Acid. “Jussht what I need to schoooBer up.” Jianming exclaimed before choking on his milk and fainting.

SO it was down to Zhiyang and Elizaberth. The battle to the death! This was the first time in 6 years anyone has actually made it through all 14 stages and reached the last one. And we have 2 of them! They have been training hard indeed! The waiters brought out 2 shot glasses filled with a clear liquid. Using a set of pliers, they set the 2 glasses on the table in front of Eliz and ZY. Immediately, they started tearing and a foul smell filled the air.

The announcer took a deep breath before saying “Here we have a shot of Sebby’s sweat, freshly squeezed from his jersey after rugby training!!!” The crowd gasped and hooted. Zhiyang had a blank look on his face while Elizaberth had one of obvious disgust. But dutifully they took their shotglasses and downed the clear liquid. Both sat back a while, staring blankly into space. Before long, Zhiyang started to slant to one side, inch by inch before collapsing into a heap.

“WE HAVE A WINNER!!!!” The announcer screamed. “Eliza….wtf??!!” Elizaberth had emptied the contents of her stomach on his nicely pressed pants. But the crowd didn’t care. They cheered their new champion for all of 20 seconds, before moving on to the next event.

To be continued…

A Short story.

Peter awoke with a start. Cold sweat flowed down his silky smooth cheeks and dripped onto his Powerpuff girl's bedsheet.

"What a bad dream!!" He mumbled to himself, reaching out and helping himself to another mouthful of Hole-reos. "I must discuss this with someone..."

Peter climbed out of his bed, changed out of his soiled undergarments and proceeded to Zhiyang the Beer Belly Queen's apartment. It was 6 in the morning and the Beer Belly Meister was the only one still awake at that crazy hour.

Rapping on the door, Peter whispered, "Hey Zhiyang, u still awake??"

"Yeah! What's up?" Zhiyang replied, opening the door.

"I have something to talk to you about." Peter said as he entered the door. He noticed how there was a generous amount of purple splashed everywhere, with the drapes and silk bedsheets. The air smelt alittle like a club, with hints of tobacco, alchohol and hair. "Anywayz, i had this weird ass dream just now!"

"Ahhh, i see my mystic powers as a hermaphadite gypsy are being called into use now." Zhiyang said with gusto. "Let me slip into something more comfortable."

"But you're already naked." Peter helpfully pointed out.

"I know u idiot. My hair is causing abrasions." Zhiyang said as he flipped through his articles. He selected a genie-like getup, equipped with a turban. "Helps me get in the mood" Zhiyang said, squeezing into the shimmery material.

"Mood for what?" Peter thought to himself. "Looks like something out of a porn movie set..."

"I got this cheap off ebay. Seconds off a porn movie set." Peter almost bolted for the door. But his desire to know the meaning of his strange dream kept him in his seat. Also, it was too much of an effort to run that fast in the morning anywayz.

"Ok, tell me your dream, little on..."

"STOP STROKING MY THIGH U PERV." Peter said, brushing Zhiyang's hand off his thigh.

"But itz just so smoooth." Zhiyang said wistfully, alternating looks between his and Peter's thigh. Just then, the silence of the morning and their train of thought were broken by Sebby's attempt at starting another Bear Rape. Looking out of the windowm they saw Sebby chasing Gullibear down the street.

"He doesn't let up does he?" Peter said.

"I think itz his way of dealing with some buzzing in his head. I heard it has something to do with Goofen" Zhiyang replied.

"In any case, here's my dream. I was busying myself at the river, having a bath.. then i saw someone waving at me across the river. It was a figure... the scary thing was that it had a squeaky voice and an armani. The hair resembled a skunk. The freakiest thing was that the figure was the shortest person i've ever seen in my life. That scared the crap outta me.... literally."

"Explains the stench.." Zhiyang said. "Ahhh...the appearance of the Stumpy One. We know not whether it is a she or a he... but it appears from time to time in our dreams. This is mainly due to it not sleeping when others are, and making alot of noise, hence causing them to dream of it at nite. What month is this? October? I believe it shall make an appearance soon. Just wait my little o...."

"I said keep your hands to yourself dude." Peter smacked Zhiyang's hand off his thigh again.

Thus we shall behold the Stunted One in another Short Story soon.